Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
