What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Even the bartender felt bad for me
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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