all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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