the new term for farting is butt boxing.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
