who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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