I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
