I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
there is glitter all over my balls
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
