just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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