on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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