just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
