This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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