just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
