I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
