I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
