i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
