Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
did i just pee glitter
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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