she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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