I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
