so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
