did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
