he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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