HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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