I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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