Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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