when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
