Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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