Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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