Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
