Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
