Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
