Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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