My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
