Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
