i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
