Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
