Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize