im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
