as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
