Got a toothbrush?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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