btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
