rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
