I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
