Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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