Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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