the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
