Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
