So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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