i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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