We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
