Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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