Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
