so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
