Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
