Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
