I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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