the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
tell me about the eggs
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
