I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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