I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
